it don't hurt me no more
by Bene-C
Summary: SUNSTREAKER POV, update of my story 'My final goodbye', based of true life. i finally realized i shouldn't hold onto you now your gone. NO SLASH warnings of language.


**A/N: **not too long ago when I was in a pit of depression I wrote a fic called my final goodbye, I deleted it due to a friend motioned coming back to me and due to some resent revelations I felt it needed a newer version, so here it is, sorry if its whiney and stuff.

If its unclear something happened in school and basically I lost a lot of friends which really didn't help me get over the news about my mum getting cancer. The bot represent real people in my life.

0o0o0o

I couldn't help it; part of me still missed him, a lot of me was glad to be rid of him. Tracks had been dead to me for a while now, the vain glitch got to me on a level that hurt, I know he didn't care; all he cared about was himself. My whole body shivered at the thought I might bump into him round the corner, not a good shiver of happiness, that shiver of dread that was enough to make me die a little inside. Any thing to do with Tracks and my temper's ugly head would rear up inside of me, cursing his very existence.

The best bit is, apparently its all _my_ fault. He was the bastard that fed Bluestreak lies when we were in an argument that _he_ started by announcing that mechs were spreading slag about him. Heh, he even had the parts to blame it on Sideswipe, that's when I lost it. I doubt to this day that any of what Tracks had said was true; he was fed up of not having the spot light. I think that's how the rift started between us; I didn't give him enough attention so he thought I was ignoring him.

_Fuck it_, I thought to myself. Tracks wasn't worth this! At least Blue and I worked it out, if only I could sort out the rest of the _Ark_. I often finding myself thinking about ending it, wondering if they would even care I was gone or would they celebrate? I figured they would, that's why I stopped myself from pulling the trigger. As long as I was around they couldn't sing 'ding dong, 'Streaker's dead' that and I wouldn't dare leave Sideswipe, I think he would have felt some sort of guilt. Then there was Ratch and Prowl, these mechs saved my life so many times, killing myself would just be an insult to them.

_Fuck sake stop thinking about it,_ I keep telling myself, I cant help it, the thought of not having to fight no more is too intoxicating. _He's not fucking worth it, forget about him!_ My mind hissed. I would if I could but there is that minute part of me that misses the laughs, the inside jokes and the chats we used to share, and for some reason that small part won over and left me pining for past days when I didn't have to hide or push every one away if fear they would hurt me. I see now I shouldn't live in the past, I should just look back on the memories and smile-not that I do that often.

I see Smokescreen sometimes, he told me that I shouldn't hate Tracks, he said I should thank him for the memories and move on. I tried, I tried so hard but Tracks just had to kick me when I was down.

I was laid up in Med-Bay and Tracks came in, he had a go at me, saying I was pathetic and that he couldn't give a damn about our friendship. Of coarse true to me I responded with a fiery fury and told the fragger exactly what I thought of him, lets just say Ratch save Tracks that day. In my mind I see my self standing in front of him, I like to imagine that not having me there was effecting him more than him, he was right I am pathetic, I lack the ability to move on. Frag he's replaced me ten times over with a fragging _human_ for fuck's sake.

In my head I can hear him say sorry to me over and over, submitting to the pain I was inflicting on him. I always snarl back at him with, _how fucking dare you kick me when I was down, fuck you, you show me nothing but hate, its too late for apologies now! Fuck you don't hurt me no more!_ Every word I love and I have planned over and over, the promise of giving Tracks back the pain made me feel better, just one punch would satisfy me, or a door slammed in his face. There I go again, I cant let go of him can i? Primus I just cant let go of this grudge, at least what ever he says won't get to me, Smokescreen helped build up my defences against hatful words.

Here I am sitting in my quarters, in the dark alone, thinking about offlining myself and the stupid mech that started all my problems, the two this I got told to forget about. But its odd, I don't feel angry any more, just… disappointed that one of my best friends betrayed the rare trust I gave to them and if they don't want to be part of my life fine, I have bigger things to worry about.

I will miss the times we had Tracks, just not you and I've learned how to funnel hate into something more productive unlike you.

You just don't hurt me no more

0o0o0o

**F/N:** Sorry if its whiney and OCC, I just felt that after deleting my final goodbye it needed to be updated and here that is.

I do miss the fun we had, and 'Bluestreak' you know who you are and thank you for not giving up on me when I was rude to you.


End file.
